Last night was our first night in Kyoto, the first capital of Japan before it was moved to Tokyo (then called Edo) in the 1800s. It’s hard to imagine that this modern-as-can-be city was here for centuries before any of us, or anyone who lives here, even existed, and it will continue to be here after every single one of us is dead.

I was able to do some casual exploring with some friends last night after we met with some students from Ryukoku University and hauled all of our equipment up nine flights of stairs. Afterward, eight of us went to get ramen and go to an arcade. I’m going to miss this kind of fellowship. This trip seems to exist on another plane of existence, and it’s going to be so easy to fall back into comfortable and boring routines once we’re back home.

One of the most interesting and comforting things I learned in world literature class is the Japanese aestethics, particularly of haikus. They are meant to capture both the very present moment and the eternity that surrounds it on both sides of time. I think we’re like that, too. I think this tour is like that. It’s so fun, and so melancholic. I believe the Japanese term for this type of impermanence is wabi-sabi. Everything comes to an end, which can be comforting during bad times, but it also applies to good things.

I’m going to miss this month of being brave. Dr. Hancock has been saying from the very beginning that we are going to come home different. I already know that I am, and wanted to give a few examples of how this experience has changed me.

Most people know that I’m a very picky eater, but almost none of you know that it is because of an eating disorder called Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. It has nothing to do with body image, I do not starve myself. The best way I can describe it is a psychological thing where I get HUGE anxiety over eating food that I’ve never had before, that I haven’t deemed Okay for me. This has led to me not eating many things at all because I’ve never been able to cross that psychological barrier.

But this is the month of being brave. I was so afraid to explain this condition to someone with a language barrier, so I put hardly any diet restrictions on the list. But it turns out that I’ve never thrived with eating situations as much as I have this month. I’m eating things I’ve never considered I’d ever be able to eat (octopus, chicken skin, even tofu, of all the things to be afraid of trying). I’ve been more adventurous than many of my bandmates. I cannot iterate enough how big of a deal this is for me, after a lifetime of anxiety surrounding food as a social situation, through no one’s fault except neurology.

This is how I’ve been changed.

I’ve met people here that I’ve bonded with despite a language barrier. They invited me into their home. Satomi, Kanon, Shuichi, Shigeko, Mayumi, Yusuke, and Aoi, I will never ever forget your kindness. You have changed my life and I cannot believe how hard it was to say goodbye.

We only met the students at KLC for a short two hours at dinner, and yet they cried when it was time to go. We had so much fun together. The biggest surprise of this trip is how hard it has been to say goodbye to the people I’ve met.

This is how I’ve been changed, and soon it will be time to say goodbye to this trip, and this country, and this specific wind ensemble. We will never be the same again as we are now. We will probably go back to our routines, but I hope that the friendships I’ve formed will stay close even after we are out of this separate plane of existence.

We are here to suffer and also have fun, and it hurts to suffer, and it hurts to say goodbye, but we are humans and we do it anyway.

I’m so thankful for this opportunity. I will remember this and all of my bandmates and new friends for the rest of my life. Let’s keep going to a new adventure, let’s keep choosing to make life fun.